Laughing German People

More Ludholfs

More Thin Wall Challenge

More Thin Wall Challenge

Disturbing Egg Painting

So that's how they empty eggs before painting them! Die Ludolfs beim Eier Malen This makes far more sense than early 90s thrash videos or Finnish music videos and is just as hysterically funny. I love these guys.

More Ludolfs

This one involves driving

Winter Paths

Snow shovel fun!

Thin Wall Challenge - 3: Nice Cans

Thin Wall Challenge - 3: Nice Cans

Piano Metal!?

"A melodic pulse of intensely lyrical rock fused delicately against genre bursting piano metal."

My idea of musical hell, described as lovingly as a coke addled restaurant manager trying to lovingly describe kohlrabi served on a lump of green stuff with a side of fava beans.  Let's see what YouTube has to offer:

One Red Martian - Sly Dreamer

Oh...I am sure they are lovely people and are clearly quite talented even if my warped little brain makes me want to chew my ethernet cord to make it stop.

This reminds me of college the first time around.  This was the era where metal was pushed into hiding and one could see Testament with 40 other people in Erie, PA and sign up to be part of their "Street Team" to see if you could find other people who remembered that music isn't supposed to make you cry in sympathetic erectile dysfunction and try to encourage these last holdouts to go to shows and buy tapes that don't suck.  Back when the only growing metal band was Pantera. I met them briefly once.  They all seemed really nice.  But for some inexplicable reason, that band was as much of an idiot magnet as Slayer - maybe even more so.   Hey, Pantera's also from Dallas, like these guys and Morbid Anal Fog!  Not that Pantera was horrible, mind, but where on earth did all those morons come from? Do people from Texas really attract that many morons?  By the time they came out, I had been listening to metal for a few years and already broke a foot in a mosh pit and still had never seen such a sheer number of morons in one place.  And I had even visited Ostfriesland, for crying out loud.  Oh, I miss that place.  And the morons weren't confined to one location.  After that Exodus show, there were morons everywhere Pantera played.  Morons in Ohio, morons in Texas, morons in Pennsylvania, morons in Bremen! Bremen! Who thinks of morons and Bremen in the same sentence?  I do!

Where are those ADD meds...

Yep, that was about the time I decided that maybe symphonic black metal wasn't that annoying after all.  Music like this is what drove me to seeing Dimmu Borgir a couple of times.  But if you miss the late 1990s, this piano metal is for you.

Deaf Drumming

Today, I fail at being a nice person.  I know there are plenty of deaf musicians and probably a few more that should be.  This is a flyer for a percussion ensemble at a school for the deaf.  With dancing.

Chef

 
If she grows thumbs, I am so screwed.

Morbid Anal Fog Guy

This is a picture of the guy from Morbid Anal Fog playing with another band.  I posted a video of them here a few years back.  Since then, I've learned more about this act after running into one of them while pursuing a mutual hobby that does not often involve bacon but does often involve the consumption of fried food.  The guy with the two toned hair is now bald (see above), is lactose intolerant and is very nice.  His apartment has many pictures of men wearing bangs and a comfy couch of death.  He gave me a shirt so I am now the proud owner of a Morbid Anal Fog shirt! 

Funny Name

Dimple Dene Nummer

Stupid Questions

We hired a new receptionist a few months back.  He does read this blog and will probably not be thrilled to see this posting here.  Nyah, nyah.  In case you can't read the text (my responses in italics):

Subject:  Initial Insurance Questions

1)  What's a "portability" form?  Are some forms so heavy they can't be moved? 
No, a portability form is one that allows you to continue coverage in the even that you are stuck in a porta john for longer than 90 days.
2) Did anybody in PR notice that one of their forms is called "Request to Elect Cancer"?
Yes, it is designed for employees who would rather elect cancer outright than have to worry about whether they will suffer from cancer or a stroke.  This takes out the guesswork, allowing for more accurate planning of future needs.
3)  Why does the page outlining the "Critical Illness Insurance Claim Form" have a picture of a smiling, vibrant young woman next to it?
Because she is smiling due to early onset Pick's disease, much like my grandmother had.  If you look closely, she is not speaking.

Riding the Bus II

Riding a bus can be a blessing but it can also be an exercise in misery.  Let's go over the pros first:

1. Don't have to worry about navigating anywhere
2. Can sleep, if you are able to sleep sitting up 
3. More comfy than an airplane, so it makes sense to take the bus if it's for less than 6 hours.  If it's more than that, take a plane if it will get you there faster once you factor in security, delays, layovers, and travel time.
4. Exciting games of "Name that smell!"
5. You don't have to take responsibility for anything other than showing up
6. Some fellow passengers can be fun.

The cons are:

1. Some fellow passengers can make you homicidal, especially if they are from a certain northern European country where I presume it is illegal to fall asleep on a bus, regardless of the number of weeks spent living on one.
2. The potential of Germans.  There is no justification for Germans complaining about how loud Americans are.  Seriously.  But at least they sleep sometimes.  Loudly.
3. The major bus company in the US will get you there.  Eventually.  It may or may not be close to when you expect, which makes it a joy coordinating transportation.
4. I have no idea how a bus station the size of a postage stamp can have a confusing layout, but they all do! It's a miracle of engineering.
5. The foot rests are more frustrating than restful.

When riding a bus, you will want to remember to bring the following:

1. A small blanket tucked into the pillowcase with your pillow.  You can use this stuffed pillowcase as a lap desk, a pillow, or something to bury your head in to drown out "WAS!?  WO WAR'N WIR?! ICH HABE KEINEN SLIP!"  Alternately, you can use the pillow to suffocate the screaming person who is confused about both geography and her own bodily functions and/or undergarments and use the blanket to hide the body until you get to Waco.
2. Something to read.  A lot of something to read.
3. Something either backlit or a small booklight, since the lights are kind of annoying and don't always work.
4. Spare battery chargers
5. Camera
6. Food that doesn't smell like much. 
7. A drink with a resealable lid.
8. Headphones that can also function as earplugs.
9. Dark sunglasses
10. A few ziplock bags in case you or someone else feels the need to barf.  The one time you forget to bring a bag, I guarantee you that someone is going to barf.
11. Vicks Vaporub.  If it works for the coroner's office, it should work on a bus.

Riding the Bus I

I have no idea who this guy is, but there was an endless line of huge trucks blocking my view on the other side.  This is as green as Texas gets.  This was one of the three cloudy days in each year, so my decision on where to sit had nothing to do with the direction the bus was going relative to the Mr. I Will Fry You, aka "The Sun."

Putting the "Ewww" in BBQ

I just noticed that you can not zoom in on pictures posted directly from my phone.  In case you can't read it, the side of the building says:  "Mama & Papa B's Bar-B-Que, if the bears kill it, we'll cook it!"  There are two phone numbers, for for home and one for a bus. 

Congratulations, Youngstown, Ohio!  You are no longer the winner of the gross food advertisement painted on the side of a building!  This honor now belongs to Waco, Texas.

Floral Design Studio

Waco, TX actually exists!  This picture was taken from the window of a bus.  Boy, does this Rosetree Studio look flowery. 

Waco has been one of those places that I know exists in the abstract, but couldn't quote fathom it existing on this plane.  The only things come to mind about Waco is Dr. Pepper and that cult that had issues in 1993.  Incidentally, I was once required to explain to a religion class in a foreign country exactly why the whole Waco thing was allowed to happen.  I probably gave an incoherent babbling monologue, since the only that that came to my mind about it, then as in now, was a joke that my mom made an international call to tell me. "Did you hear Jeffrey Dahmer escaped from prison?  He was last seen heading for Waco with a bottle of BBQ sauce." 

Pages

If you are a new visitor looking for help on anything other than your finance homework, Jarko Ahola's marital status*, what to wear to a metal concert, tea, or hating Manowar, go look at the tags on the right. If you are looking to the answers to those, click on the Commonly Asked Questions under the description at the top of the page. 

Over the next few days/months/eons, I am going to attempt to flesh out the pages on this thing, since I've been writing crap here for a really long time and it's probably impossible to find much of anything.


*Seriously, that many people are concerned about who or what that man is boinking?  Could someone please email me or leave a comment here telling me why?

Bathtub Nap - 1992

Once upon a time, I was in a hotel room in Memphis on the way to Texas.  I was unable to sleep in the room designated for sleeping, so I made a nest in the bathtub and slept there.  Something about noise, if I recall correctly.  I am pretty sure I was somewhere buried in the lump on the left.  Thus began a lifetime where sleeping in a bathtub happens every few years.

1992 - Memphis
1999 - Cincinatti
1999 - Oldenburg (?)
2004 - Dallas
2011 - San Antonio

Flaming Death on a Plate

Flaming Hot Death Kofta Type Things

This picture is what remains of an order of vegetable manchurian, which seems to be the veggie/cheese balls that are also used in malai kofta with a coating of flaming hot death.


Normally, when you go to any American type restaurant, the vegetarian options are iceberg lettuce, bland noodles, or a baked potato with the bacon bits scraped off.  This is major part of why I like ethnic restaurants when I go out to eat.  There is always an option that doesn't suck and/or is not a modified version of something else where the cook is convinced of the following:

• Bacon is a natural part of an aubergine or potato;
• It is potentially fatal to eat either of those items without said bacon; and 
• He feels that he is saving your life by leaving the bacon in. 

If you go to an Indian restaurant, there is often as many as a page of items that do not contain meat.  However, this does not come without risk.  I've found that the meat dishes range in heat on this scale:

1. Mild - not hot spices
2. Medium - it has some kick
3. Spicy - only hot food fans would enjoy
4. Extra spicy - can kill you if you aren't used to it.

Vegetarian dishes run on a different scale:

1. Mild - if you like hot food (think vindaloo), you'll like this
2. Medium - your face will go numb and your ears will burn.  If you dare your meat eating tablemates to take a bite of this, they will spend the next ten minutes crying.  This will give you ample time to steal their naan.
3. Spicy - You're probably going to die
4. Extra spicy - Your plate dissolves into sand before it gets to your table.

Creepy

Here is a picture of the art museum at night from across the river. 

Under Construction

They are doing a major construction project and kept the shell of this building.  Once they are finished, it is supposed to look completely different and be named after a major corporation.  I know whoever pays the piper gets to call the tune, but most of me feels that naming things after corporations causes distancing.  Or maybe I'm turning into an old fart.

Ganging Up Cats

I still have teh dumb, so I'll be posting some pictures over the next few days. I am not sure why the two cats were trying to move the third cat, but it was a funny thing to wake up to on the weekend.

Kindle Cat

Cats

Five cats.

Tomato basil loaf

Intended ingredients:  tablespoon olive oil, small onion, chopped, 3 plum tomatoes (peeled, seeded, and chopped), 4 and a half cups flour, half a teaspoon ground black pepper, one and a half teaspoons salt, 2 teaspoons sugar, teaspoon rapid rise yeast, table spoon chopped fresh basil.

Actual ingredients:  tablespoon plus a bloop olive oil, two small shallots, chopped, 2/3 cup grape tomatoes cut in half because I do not have the patience to peel or seed anything unless failing to do so will kill me dead, 3 and a half cups regular flour, one cup whole wheat flour left over from the stuff I made last week, half a teaspoon or less ground black pepper, one and a half teaspoons salt, 2 teaspoons sugar, teaspoon rapid rise yeast, table spoon chopped fresh basil.

Cook shallot and tomato in olive oil until they get mushy (about the duration of a Minor Threat song).  Smoosh and add liquid to a measuring cup, keeping the solid mushy stuff in the pan.  Add enough water to get a cup and a quarter.   Pour liquid in bread machine because you are a lazy slob and don't feel like kneading the dough yourself because you'd rather sit in one place and go over Finnish pronouns while listening to whatever crap you have on your iPod.  Sprinkle flour over the liquid in the bread machine.  Put the salt in one corner and the sugar diagonal in the furthest corner from the salt so they don't fight and cause your bread machine to blow up like that time I tried to bake a cake in my old apartment.  Throw the pepper in another corner.  Make a dip in the middle of the flour pile and add the yeast.  Set machine cycle to dough.  Walk away.   If you don't have a bread machine, you should probably use normal yeast and adjust stuff accordingly.  And don't walk away until you have finished kneading and stuffing it in a bowl and covering in a towel in the hopes that your housepets, roommates, or the giant mosquito flying around your head don't try to eat it.

When the dough cycle is almost complete, grease a loaf pan with whatever you have handy.

When dough cycle is complete, punch down dough and add stuff from pan.  Try as you might, it's not going to integrate with the dough because you probably have too much olive oil in the tomato/shallot mix after it blurped.  Vow to be more careful next time.  Give up kneading.  Toss the entire mess into a loaf pan and shape it into a loaf as much as you can.  Get frustrated and kind of pull and stuff it so it sort of looks like a loaf.  Cover and let rise.  Once it's risen enough, toss in a 400 degree oven for about 40 or more minutes.  Feel free to add an egg white glaze, but if you messed up with the olive oil, it should be plenty greasy enough and will get a lovely crust.

When it's finished, remove from oven and apply a liberal amount of burn spray to your left forearm.  Unless you are smarter than me and don't end up wearing what you are cooking, wash flour from your face so your neighbor does not think you are a coke head when you take your trash out in a few hours.

Traveling Tastebuds III

Moroccan Bites

Sibling 1:  I hope there is nothing spicy in here.  Remember that time Sibling 3 tried to kill me with the spaghetti sauce?
Sibling 3:  It was mild!  Your Mrs. Dash has more of a kick than that did!
Sibling 1:  My lips were on fire.
Sibling 2:  I hate curry.
Sibling 3:  There is no curry in here.
Sibling 1:  What is that?
Sibling 3:  It's a funny hat.  Try it on.
Sibling 1:  Is it some kind of BDSM thing?
Sibling 2:  This bread tastes flat.
Sibling 1:  These things look kind of perverted.
Sibling 3:  The lamps?  Oh, those are eggplants.
Sibling 2:  This rice needs more saffron.
Sibling 3:  HUMMUS!
Sibling 1:  The chicken isn't bad.  Is this a potato?
Sibling 3:  POTATO!
Waitress:  Would your special sibling like some spiced carrots?
Sibling 3:  CARROTS!
Sibling 2:  [corrects pronunciation of "carrots"]
Sibling 3:  CARROTS!  Did you know that the Germans have at least three different words for carrots?
Sibling 1:  What's this stuff?
Sibling 3:  Not carrots!  Try it.
Sibling 1:  You horrible, evil person.  It's napalm!
Sibling 3:  Good on carrots.
Sibling 2:  That's pronounced "Car-ots."
Sibling 3:  Karotte     Möhre        Rüebli  - BURP!


I'm kind of a pain in the ass.  You should see me in Chinese restaurants in Ohio.

Spicy Roasted Cauliflower

Ooh, this one has a short ingredients list:  2-3 cups cauliflower florets, 1 tablespoon olive oil, 1/2 to 1 teaspoon Sriracha hot sauce, and 1/4 teaspoon salt.

Here's what I started with:  2-3 cups cauliflower florets, three cubed potatoes, a few chopped carrots, 2 tablespoons of olive oil, two teaspoons of Sriracha, and half a teaspoon of salt.

The vegetables went into a baking pan. I mixed the olive oil with the hot sauce and salt and poured it over the vegetables.  More olive oil and and another teaspoon and a half more Sriracha went over the mess.  Mixed mess with wooden spoon.  Baked at 400 for about 15 minutes.  Fished out the cauliflower before it liquified and applied a liberal amount of burn cream to my left hand.  Put the rest of the vegetables back in the oven for 15 more minutes.  Resolved to put the cauliflower in a separate pan and put in the oven later next time so it's all ready at the same time. 

Cuban Salad with Avocado

I subscribe to a local basket of what grows around here.  Thankfully, they are helpful enough to enclose recipes to tell me what the heck I do with this stuff.  The issue is, I am not a strict recipe person.  I have the attention span of a gnat, the patience of an ADD case who has to pee really bad, and the physical coordination of that fat kid no one wanted on the team in gym.  Except I wasn't fat as a kid.  I was scrawny, which that made it worse since I couldn't even function as a goalie by just standing there.

What was I saying about ADD again?

Oh, right.  Salad.

One afternoon, I assemble the ingredients for this salad, or the closest thing I had to them in the kitchen.  The recipe called for canola oil, half a yellow onion, thinly sliced, two ripe tomatoes cut into 6ths, 2 pitted and chopped avocados, a head of lettuce, greens from some daikon radishes, half a cup of cooked black beans, 2 table spoons of fresh lime juice and a quarter cup of each of sherry vinegar and olive oil.

First, you are to cook the sliced onion in the canola oil and sit to the side.  Mix the other stuff that's not liquid.  Whisk the stuff that is.  Throw the liquid on the salad, toss, and add the onion.  Simple, right?

No.

I can't thinly slice an onion to save my life.  So I cut it teeny tiny and cooked as directed.  In goes the lettuce and radish greens.  The tomatoes were huge, so those got cut into chunks.  I gave up trying to chop the avocado and mushed it up and then cut the mushings.  I washed a can of black beans and measure out half a cup.  I throw it in the bowl, put the lid on, and shake the heck out of it.  What does one do with the remaining black beans?  No idea, so I throw the rest of it on the salad with the avocado mushings that I left on the cutting board.  What kind of a sick asshole invented an avocado, anyway?  Yech.

I don't have sherry vinegar.  I have six types of vinegar (rice, white wine, red wine, balsamic, and raspberry balsamic, and some sort of sweet kind) but not sherry.  I use some red wine and the sweet kind and mix that with the olive oil and lime juice.  I bite the lime peel.  I don't know why I bit the lime peel.  Holy hell are those things tart and why do they taste like coconut?  I throw that in with the onions and shake.  And take a bite.  Bleech!  This is not food.  This is dinner for an masochistic anorexic rabbit without tastebuds.  Or a man from New Hampshire.  Whichever.

Finnish Camp

Well, I got my registration confirmation for Finnish camp. I am seriously hoping I do not make a major ass out of myself, but I am pretty sure I will.  My only other concern is being confronted with bloody pancakes.

What should I tackle next for "doing something new in 2012?"

Friday the 13th - The Rapture